Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
