I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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