Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
