I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
