I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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