I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
