I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Randomize
