I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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