Just fell off a train. Bad.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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