So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
