You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
