I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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