and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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