i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
