Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
