i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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