I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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