the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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