This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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