He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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