On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
