feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
