I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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