your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
