I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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