i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
