how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
