How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
