She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
