now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
