I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
