Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
