I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
