My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
