I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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