I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
