i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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