i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
