I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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