my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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