I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
