2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
