And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
