You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
