I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
