she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
