Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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