508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
