remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
