I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
